Understanding Limerence: Letting Go & Building Real Connections

Amanda Staniforth, Limerence, Relationships -

Understanding Limerence: Letting Go & Building Real Connections

Limerence is a state of mind that prevents genuine connections by prioritizing an idealized fantasy relationship over reality, and letting go of limerence requires taking responsibility, understanding fantasies, and finding real connections 

Questions to inspire discussion

  • What is limerence?

    Limerence is a state of mind characterized by obsessive thoughts and fantasies about someone, prioritizing a fantasy relationship with them in one's head over the real relationship.

  • How does limerence prevent genuine connections?

    Limerence prevents genuine connections by prioritizing an idealized image of someone in our minds, using it to boost our self-worth instead of truly getting to know them.

  • How can limerence be distinguished from genuine attraction?

    Limerence can be distinguished from genuine attraction by recognizing danger cues, such as mistaking it for sexual attraction, and understanding that limerence is a disconnect from reality and a focus on fantasy.

  • What is the function of limerence?

    Limerence serves a purpose for our brains by allowing us to escape the responsibility of forming genuine connections and indulge in the fantasy of not being good enough.

  • How can limerence be overcome?

    Limerence can be overcome by taking responsibility for our own learning and choices, recognizing when we're projecting our needs onto someone else, and letting go of the fantasies in order to be present in genuine connections.

 

Key Insights

 

Understanding and Overcoming Limerence

  • 💡 Limerence is about being more attached to the idea of someone inside your head than to the actual person themselves.
  • 😬 Limerence can prevent us from truly connecting with someone because we are unwilling to learn new things about them that may not align with our idealized version of them.
  • 😍 Limerence prevents us from forming genuine connections with people, as we are only emotionally masturbating to the idea of them, using it to boost our own self-worth.
  • 🚨 Recognizing the danger cues in our own minds and bodies that alert us to the fact that what we're feeling is limerence, not true connection, is the first step in getting over it.
  • 🧠 Distinguishing between limerence and genuine sexual attraction requires grounding yourself in the present moment and noticing the feelings that arise in your body.
  • 🌟 Prioritizing the fantasy version of someone over the reality of who they are can be unkind and prevent genuine connection and love.
  • 💡 Understanding the function of limerence is crucial in order to overcome it and make a conscious choice to do something else instead.
  • 💡 Using the tool of radical honesty can be revolutionary and extremely helpful in getting over limerence.

 

Building Genuine Connections

  • 😮 Focusing on our own experience and the feelings present in our body during sex is more important than worrying about what the other person is thinking of us.
  • 🧱 Real connection can only be formed when two people show up in real time, share their vulnerable experiences, and connect authentically, rather than putting someone on a pedestal.
  • 🙌 Radical honesty encourages us to center ourselves in our own experiences, avoiding judgments and stories about others, and instead focusing on what happened and how it made us feel.
  • 💡 Choosing genuine connections, despite the uncertainty, can bring immense benefits to our lives.

 

#Relationships #Limerence

 

Clips 

  • 00:00 📚 Limerence is a state of mind characterized by obsessive thoughts and fantasies about someone, prioritizing a fantasy relationship with them in one's head over the real relationship.
    • The speaker discusses the topic of limerence, which is a term many people may not be familiar with but is important for attachment healing.
    • Limerence is a state of mind characterized by obsessive thoughts and fantasies about someone, prioritizing a fantasy relationship with them in one's head over the real relationship.
  • 01:55 🔑 Limerence prevents genuine connections as we prioritize our idealized image of someone, mistaking it for love; recognizing danger cues and differentiating from sexual attraction is crucial to letting it go.
    • Limerence is when our idea of someone and what we want to believe about them overrides our genuine willingness to have a connection with them, potentially leading to a lack of true genuine connections for those who are insecurely attached.
    • Limerence prevents us from forming genuine connections with others as we prioritize maintaining our idealized image of them in our minds, using it to boost our self-worth instead of truly getting to know them.
    • Limerence is not real love or connection, and in order to let it go, we need to recognize the danger cues that indicate we are experiencing limerence rather than true connection, such as mistaking it for sexual attraction.
    • Limerence is often a mental obsession with someone, while sexual attraction is a grounded bodily feeling that requires relaxation, but when insecurely attached and engaging in limerent fantasies, fight or flight mode can create intense anxious energy.
  • 05:42 🔍 Limerence is a desperate longing for validation and attention, often mistaken for genuine attraction, leading to a focus on fantasy and a disconnect from reality.
    • Limerence is a feeling of desperate longing for validation and attention from someone, often mistaken for genuine sexual attraction, leading to a disconnect from reality and a focus on fantasy.
    • During sex, many people are disconnected from their own experiences and instead focus on what the other person is thinking, leading to a disembodied and potentially misinterpreted experience.
    • Understanding the difference between genuine attraction and limerence is important, as limerence can be disruptive and unkind towards others when we prioritize our fantasy of someone over their actual self.
    • Understanding the function of limerence is crucial in order to overcome it, as it serves a purpose for our brains and recognizing this can help us redirect our focus.
    • Limerence is often driven by a desire for someone to fill a role of a knowledgeable and capable person, and this can be identified by observing how one's body feels when thinking about that person.
    • Feeling inferior and imagining someone as better than oneself in a limerent relationship provides a sense of relaxation and relief from the constant need to protect others, even if the reality of the relationship does not match this perception.
  • 13:09 🔑 Limerence is a defense mechanism that prevents genuine connections by putting someone on a pedestal, allowing individuals to escape responsibility and indulge in the fantasy of not being good enough.
    • Feeling a need for someone to look up to and seek advice from, the speaker realizes that their limerence was a way to protect themselves from the anxiety of realizing that nobody really knows what they're doing in life.
    • We must take responsibility for our own learning and choices, as relying on others to show us the way can lead to resentment and unconscious blame.
    • Limerence is a defense mechanism that prevents forming real connections by putting someone on a pedestal and believing they are unattainable.
    • Limerence allows individuals to escape the responsibility of forming genuine connections and indulge in the fantasy of not being good enough, which can be comforting for those who fear being seen for who they truly are.
    • The speaker believed that their lack of physical attractiveness was the reason for their failed connection with someone, when in reality, they were not allowing the person to be vulnerable and honest with them.
  • 16:59 🔑 True connection requires genuine presence, equal giving and receiving, and accepting people as they are, while expressing both appreciation and resentment to avoid unrealistic expectations and limerence.
    • Taking responsibility and caring authentically for someone, even when it's difficult, is necessary for a genuine connection, rather than putting oneself in a victim position.
    • True connection requires showing up as our adult selves, giving as much as we receive, and accepting that there are no inherently better or worse people.
    • Real connection is based on genuine presence and noticing and responding to what the other person is giving, rather than inventing qualities in our minds, and it is through these real moments of bonding that we can truly connect with others.
    • The speaker suggests using a tool from radical honesty to help get over limerence.
    • Expressing appreciation towards someone is just as important as expressing resentment, as holding onto unexpressed appreciation can lead to unrealistic expectations and a cycle of limerence.
  • 21:04 🔑 Limerence is an imagined relationship where we assume someone will always be there for us, but to have a real connection, we need to focus on concrete experiences and avoid assumptions.
    • Instead of expressing gratitude for a friend's support, the speaker mistakenly assumes their friend will always be there for them, leading to unrealistic expectations.
    • Limerence is an imagined relationship in which one believes the other person will always be there for them, but in reality, it may not be an authentic connection.
    • Be cautious when expressing appreciation to others and avoid creating stories about their motives, instead focus on objectively noting down the tangible actions that occurred.
    • Express appreciation for concrete actions and events, rather than interpretations or assumptions.
    • Appreciate people in real time for concrete experiences, avoiding assumptions and judgments, and focusing on your own feelings and gratitude.
    • Limerence is the imagined relationship we have in our heads with someone, and in order to have a real connection with them, we need to separate reality from fantasy and focus on the concrete experiences we share with them.
  • 26:59 📝 Letting go of limerence requires taking responsibility for our actions, avoiding projection, understanding our fantasies, and finding real connections to fulfill our needs.
    • To let go of limerence, we must take responsibility for our actions, avoid projecting onto others, understand the function of our fantasies, and find ways to fulfill our needs for connection in real life.
    • Recognize when we're projecting our needs onto someone else, distinguish between real connections and the stories we tell ourselves, and let go of the fantasies in order to be present in genuine connections.
    • Letting go of limerence is necessary for forming genuine connections, even though people may not always act or feel the way we want them to.
  • 30:00 💔 Limerence is a scary and difficult process to let go of, and the speaker encourages viewers to share their thoughts and experiences on the topic.

     

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