Using the word "should" incorrectly leads to emotional suffering and anger, and accepting reality as it is can help reduce anger and help us cope with unexpected outcomes
Questions to inspire discussion
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How does using the word "should" incorrectly affect us?
—Using the word "should" incorrectly can lead to emotional suffering and anger because it creates unrealistic expectations and disappointment when things don't go as planned.
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How can accepting reality help reduce anger?
—Accepting reality as it is can help reduce anger because it allows us to let go of unrealistic expectations and be more open to unexpected outcomes.
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What is the impact of using the word "should" on coping with unexpected outcomes?
—Using the word "should" incorrectly can make it harder for us to cope with unexpected outcomes because it creates a rigid mindset that doesn't allow for flexibility and adaptation.
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Why is it important to be mindful of using the word "should"?
—It's important to be mindful of using the word "should" because it can lead to emotional suffering and anger, and hinder our ability to accept and cope with reality as it is.
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How can changing our language help us manage our emotions?
—Changing our language, specifically by avoiding the use of "should," can help us manage our emotions by promoting a more flexible and accepting mindset that is better equipped to handle unexpected outcomes.
Key Insights
- 😡 The key to getting less angry is understanding the intimate relationship between should and anger, as thoughts containing "should" can be very dangerous.
- 😡 The incorrect use of the word "should" contributes to emotional suffering by suggesting that reality has a moral obligation to be different.
- 🤔 "However virtuous and noble those hopes and desires might be that's not really how things work on this planet."
- 🌍 Accepting reality on its own terms is a scientific approach, rather than forcing it into a pre-existing framework.
Clips
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00:00 🧠 Understand the relationship between "should" and anger, as thoughts containing "should" lead to anger.
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00:43 🤔 Using the word "should" incorrectly contributes to emotional suffering by suggesting that reality has a moral obligation to align with our beliefs, leading to outrage.
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01:20 🧘♂️ Reality doesn't have to match our hopes and desires, that's not how things work.
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01:38 🤔 Use "should" as a shorthand for the most likely outcome based on the factors at play in a situation.
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02:14 🤔 The bottle will break if the forces are sufficient, so accept reality as it is and don't get angry when things don't align with your ideals.
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03:03 🧠 Accepting reality as it is, rather than forcing it into our own beliefs, can help us understand and cope with unexpected or unpleasant outcomes.
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03:44 🧠 Accepting reality as it is helps us grow and stay safe, reducing anger.
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