Mastering Change with Science and Stoicism - Brad Stulberg

Questions to inspire discussion

Key Insights

Clips

• 00:00 🔑 Change is inevitable and embracing it through reflection and acceptance can lead to finding meaning and growth, as resisting or denying change can hinder progress and lead to extinction.
  • Pain and change are inevitable, but through reflection and acceptance, we can find meaning and embrace the natural process of constant change.
  • Change is the fundamental rule of the universe, and although many resist or deny it, everything good in life comes from change.
  • Systems and individuals crave stability but that stability is constantly changing, and the prevailing model of change, homeostasis, is inaccurate, as healthy systems actually follow the model of allostasis, which is stability through change.
  • Everything is constantly changing, yet also staying the same, and studying history helps us realize that the urgent and unprecedented feelings we have in the present are not actually new.
  • Throughout history, periods of accelerated change have always been accompanied by demagogues and grifters who prey on people's fear of change and desire for stability, but clinging to the old normal can lead to extinction, as evolution has shown us.
  • The speaker wrote and gave away a daily email with meditations, which eventually grew to have over 34 million subscribers and became the largest group of stoics in history.
• 12:28 🔑 Change is difficult, but we must accept it and take productive action to skillfully navigate through it, focusing on what is within our control.
  • The pandemic and other issues often lead to objections and wishful thinking, with people wanting to ignore or find a solution that makes the problem go away.
  • During periods of intense change, people tend to fall into two extremes: either ignoring the change and pretending everything is fine, or adopting a negative and pessimistic outlook.
  • Change is difficult and can be overwhelming, but we must not ignore or give in to despair, instead we must strive to fix the broken world without becoming broken ourselves.
  • Acceptance is the first step in dealing with change, and when paired with action, it becomes the only way forward.
  • Productive action is the key to skillfully navigating impermanence, as ancient wisdom traditions like stoicism and Buddhism teach, by accepting what happens and responding skillfully, focusing on what is within our control.
  • The Buddhist concept of the second arrow teaches that while we can't control certain events, we can control our reaction to them, and when it comes to change, we should exercise our agency if we have a choice, and practice acceptance if we don't, as there is usually something we can do to skillfully respond to the situation.
• 19:20 🧠 Change is a constant conversation in life, and it's important to shift our mindset to understand that it just happens without personal significance, embracing tragic optimism to navigate personal changes and find meaning.
  • Life is like a game where you catch and throw back what it throws at you, and success lies in how well you navigate and excel within the constraints you have control over.
  • Change is not something that happens to us, but rather something we are always in conversation with, and it is important to shift our mindset to understand that it just happens, without any personal significance.
  • Taking change personally and lamenting its fairness or unfairness makes it harder to navigate, especially when it comes to personal changes that affect our identity.
  • Changes in our personal narrative, technological advancements, and death are constant and affect us differently depending on our perspective and level of personal connection.
  • The speaker discusses how people often perceive events differently depending on their personal experiences, using Victor Frankle's concept of finding meaning in life as an example.
  • Tragic optimism, as defined by Frankle, is the acceptance of suffering in life and maintaining optimism in the face of tragedy, which is different from the optimism without acceptance that is often promoted in the West.
• 26:43 📚 Despite facing challenges, it's important to maintain a positive outlook, find meaning in life, and appreciate the bittersweetness of art; acknowledging pain and suffering without forcing positivity is also crucial; difficulties can be opportunities for growth and learning; recognizing the opportunity for growth and understanding the temporary nature of challenges is important; our perception of time slows down during times of change and threat.
  • Despite facing numerous tragedies and challenges, the speaker emphasizes the importance of maintaining a positive outlook, taking action, and finding meaning in life.
  • Appreciating the bittersweetness of art and music, and finding connection through tragedy and impermanence, is what makes great art and allows for a sense of brotherly and sisterly love despite the challenges of life.
  • Sometimes, it is not helpful or possible to find growth or meaning in traumatic experiences, and it is important to acknowledge that pain and suffering exist without trying to force positivity or growth.
  • Difficulties and obstacles in life can be opportunities for growth and learning, allowing us to practice virtue and help others who may be going through similar challenges.
  • In the midst of challenges, it is important to recognize the opportunity for growth and greatness, and to understand that what feels like forever now won't feel like forever in the future, so the biggest accomplishment is to release the need to grow and just focus on getting through.
  • Our brain's perception of time slows down when we feel threatened or face a lot of change, as shown by an experiment where people accurately predicted the duration of a fall when watching others, but overestimated it when experiencing it themselves.
• 37:10 🧠 By recognizing the fluidity of our sense of self and embracing change, we can navigate difficult situations, adapt to new environments, and thrive in different areas of life.
  • During times of difficulty and uncertainty, it is important to recognize that our perception of time may slow down, but by drawing on past experiences, seeking social support, and establishing routines, we can navigate through challenging situations and gain perspective.
  • The speaker discusses the challenges of navigating personal and external changes, emphasizing the importance of recognizing that our sense of self is not stable and that clinging to a specific identity can lead to pain, ultimately highlighting the need to adapt and make sense of constant change.
  • The constant changes and gradual advancements in life require us to embrace a mindset of rugged flexibility, accepting and integrating new things as part of our incremental journey.
  • Be flexible in applying your core values and attributes over time, like evolution, so that you can adapt to changing environments and continue to thrive in different areas of your life.
  • Having a diverse sense of self and being flexible in adapting to different circumstances is essential for resilience and survival, as rigidity is more vulnerable than flexibility.
  • Great teachers and philosophical frameworks provide a broad scope of values that can be applied to any situation, rather than giving specific behaviors or ways of being.
• 49:29 💡 Our identity and core values guide us through life's obstacles while remaining flexible; change is inevitable, including aging and death, but our impact on others lives on.
  • Our identity and core values act as the banks that channel our flow through life, allowing us to navigate obstacles and maintain direction, while also embracing flexibility and adaptability.
  • Being completely enlightened often leads to experiencing boundless psychosis, which is not desirable, so it is important to have flexible and loosely held bounds.
  • The Buddha's response to Vaga's question about the existence of self implies that there is both a self and no self, aligning with the perspective of modern physics.
  • Change is inevitable and encompasses both small actions and major life events, with aging being a stoic reminder of the ultimate change, death.
  • Ancient wisdom traditions help us prepare for the ultimate self that continues to live on through our lineage, even after our historical self ends.
  • Our impact on others will be passed down and we are all just waves in a big ocean, eventually returning to where we came from, and death is simply a change back to a state we once were.
• 56:03 💡 Change is inevitable and resisting it prevents personal growth; embracing change, diversifying interests, and maintaining strong relationships are key to finding joy in life.
  • The irrational desire to keep things the same causes distress and suffering, as life constantly presents us with changes and losses that we must learn to accept and let go of.
  • Death is not a future event, but a continuous process, and understanding this can help us embrace change and see that every moment of our lives is filled with both death and change.
  • The key to navigating change and finding joy in life is to be flexible, diversify our interests, and maintain strong relationships, even when faced with sadness and loss.
  • Change is constant and unavoidable, and resisting or denying that change prevents personal growth and adaptation, as exemplified by people who have children but refuse to adjust their habits or mindset.
  • The speaker expresses their deep love for their child and their awareness of their emotions while driving them to preschool.
  • Becoming a parent has deeply impacted the speaker's life, and some people may avoid parenthood due to fear of the emotions and challenges it brings.
• 01:02:48 📚 Choose a supportive location and make lifestyle choices that set you up for success as a parent, avoiding comparisons and focusing on real activities and relationships to live according to your own values and cultivate patience, flexibility, and presence.
  • The speaker recalls having tacos after giving a talk on obsession and passion to NHL strength coaches.
  • Choose a location that supports the work you want to do and allows for an easier transition into family life, as living in a place with distractions and high costs can make it difficult to achieve your desired parenting goals.
  • To be a good parent, it is important to make lifestyle choices that set you up for success and create the right environment for yourself to thrive.
  • Living in a high-cost, competitive area can lead to feeling inadequate and questioning one's choices based on the material possessions of others.
  • Comparing ourselves to others on the internet and constantly striving to keep up with them leads to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, so it's important to engage in real activities with real people in our communities to ground ourselves and live according to our own values.
  • To be a better parent, partner, and friend, it is important to cultivate patience, flexibility, and presence by creating an environment that promotes responsiveness rather than reaction.

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